dharmatalks

I’d be hard-pressed to remember a time when Prema Jaya Ma (Rev. Mother Agnes Mary) was not part of this teaching. Her encouragement and willingness to consider new things gave me strength, at times when things seemed insurmountable. She was one of the first people to learn that the result of my being sexually assaulted and beaten in 1983 would be infection with what was then considered to be a death sentence – the “gay plague”.  And when we made the difficult decision to sever our community’s ties with the Roman Catholic Church, although she felt she was too old to be able to suddenly find a means of supporting herself financially, Mother was one of the first to rejoice and help us find a new episcopal protector for the Order.

In 2005, I ordained her sub-rosa, meaning quietly and discreetly, so that her ordination would not result in her dismissal from the cloistered community in which she had made her home. Each day, she and two other nuns, also my students, would come together for liturgy and sadhana. Their lives were exemplary lives, and so their daily responsibilities and prayerful, contemplative lives were wholly consistent with the Rule of Life they’d secretly professed (based on the Brief Rule of St. Romuald, who like them, was a Benedictine).

Ani-la is a Tibetan word, meaning “beloved nun” or “highly regarded nun”. It is a term I would use around others to discuss her, because she often worried that word would reach her religious superiors, and she would be forced to leave the convent. In reality, if her superiors would have realised that I’d ordained her as a Catholic priest, she would have been excommunicated by Rome, but I never added to her concern, by telling her that. The Roman Catholic Church already did as much to two of our Franciscan sisters, I’d ordained as well, in South Florida.

When one of the two younger nuns, who are part of our teaching, convinced Ani-la to try her hand at using Twitter, she was very apprehensive.  Years earlier, when they taught her to use blogs, she would often change her username, so we never knew it was her responding until I’d get an email, later on, simply saying, “By the way, that was me!” Eventually, she began feeling comfortable enough using an old (and I do mean OLD) photograph of her, taken when I was probably only ten or twelve years old. She actually looked younger now, than she did in that old photo!

So I would tease her and tell her as long as she insisted on using that horrible old picture, I would do the same. I dislike having my picture taken, so I would take the one or two casual photos that were snapped of me each year, and then cut my head out, and “photoshop” the older head onto one of the dozens of earlier photos of me in various contemplative settings, temples, churches, and so forth. It became an inside joke, and few people ever asked about it.

Well… I guess I’ll have to keep my word, and allow photos to be taken of me now… because at 11:11 PM, Mother Prema Jaya (Agnes Mary) left this mortal coil and began her journey toward rebirth in Dewachen. Like Therese Lisieux, Ani-la was a Bodhisattva, whose only desire was to spend “her heaven doing good on earth”… until there was no more suffering.

I shed my share of tears, as I was not even able to make arrangements to go to Philadelphia to be there for those final hours, but our sisters made certain that our traditions were followed, and she was assisted and supported in her beautiful transition.  And so now we mourn our loss… we feel the acute absence of someone we’ve loved for decades, and whom we cherished as wonderful gift, knowing we would one day have to let that gift go.

In the Sutta Nipata, Sakyamuni reminds us:

Not through weeping and grieving do we obtain peace of mind. We increase misery; we harm ourselves. We become thin and pale, destroying ourselves by our own power.

- Sutta Nipata 584

And so we are mindful today that we cannot hold onto our grief. We allow the emotions to arise, and we greet them as we would a friend – gently. And we know that without clinging to them, they will resolve… soften… and pass.

Ani-la would be pleased to know that her passing was used as a lesson in impermanence. She asked that I not make a big deal of it, and even asked that I not announce to the community on Twitter or Facebook when it happened. She wanted me to soften the blow, by offering some more gentle, pastoral words, when I had time to allow my own tears to subside a bit.  And I’ve chosen to honour that request.

In our last, very recent conversation, we shed some tears. We knew that this time was coming close. I would never imagine it would have been this soon, but I was privileged to know the details of her health concerns, as she was with my own. So I knew I wouldn’t see her again in this life.

I miss her terribly… we all do. But tonight I celebrate a life well lived.

Practice whatever you can, so that the teachings of our lineage holders and dharma acharyas will not have been in vain, but above all, practice compassion, loving-kindness and mindfulness with every step.

Namasté

dharmacharya gurudas sunyatananda

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“Chenrezig, Treasure of Objectless Compassion;
Manjushri, Lord of Stainless Wisdom;
Vajrapani, Destroyer of all adversarial forces;
O Je Tsong Khapa – Losang Drakpa —
Crown Jewel of the Sages of the Land of Snows,
Humbly at Your Lotus Feet I ask your blessing.”

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Drawing on the essential teachings of the great spiritual teachers, philosophers and freethinkers throughout time, Dharmacharya Gurudas Śunyatananda (retired Archbishop Francis-Maria Salvato, O.C.) has been regarded as a provocative, revolutionary “voice of reason” within the field of religion and spirituality, since 1983. Having the distinction of being one of the few openly non-theistic, openly-gay and post-denominational thinkers ever to serve as Bishop-Exarch and spiritual leader of the autocephalic Eastern Catholic Franciscans in North America, Gurudas is the author of more than 600 articles, eight books and currently serves as the spiritual advisor for a non-theistic, intentional spiritual community, The Spiritus Project. He can be reached at: http://dharmadudeunplugged.com

Copyright ©2008, His Eminence Dharmacharya Gurudas Sunyatananda (The Most Reverend Dr. F. Francis-Maria G. Salvato, M.Sc., O.C.). All rights reserved. This material may be reproduced, blogged, quoted or distributed, provided the entire copyright including contact information remain intact. It may NOT be altered in any way, without express written permission.